Interesting tit-bits

Marry not an Engineer

/ Sapna / 4 Comments
Engineer

An Engineer

Found this on a post on http://xperiencematters.wordpress.com/ which cites http://www.cvaieee.org/html/humor/marry_not_an_engineer.html as the source where the writer in turn says he first saw this on a little yellow card distributed by Schweber Electronics in the late 1960’s. Whatever the source this is damn funny.

Verily, I say unto ye,
marry not an engineer.
For an engineer is a strange being
and possessed of many evils.

Yea, he speaketh always in parables
which he calleth formulae.
He wieldeth a big stick
which he calleth a slide rule.
And he hath only one bible,
a handbook.

He thinketh only of strains and stresses,
and without end of thermodynamics.
He showeth always a serious aspect
and seemeth not to know how to smile.
He picketh his seat in a car by the springs thereof
and not by the damsels.

Neither does he know a waterfall
except by its horsepower,
Nor a sunset
except that he must turn on the light,
Nor a damsel
except by her weight.

Always he carrieth his books with him,
and he entertaineth his sweetheart with steam tables.
Verily, though his damsel expecteth chocolates when he calleth,
She openeth the package to discover samples of iron ore.

Yea, he holdeth her hand
but to measure the friction thereof,
and kisseth her
only to test the viscosity of her lips,
for in his eyes shineth a far away look
that is neither love nor longing,
but a vain attempt to recall formulae.

Even as a boy, he pulleth a girl’s hair
but to test its elasticity.
But as a man,
he deviseth different devices.
For he counteth the vibrations of her heartstrings
And seeketh ever to pursue his scientific investigations.

Even his own heart flutterings
he counteth as a measure of fluctuation.
And his marriage is but a
simultaneous equation involving two unknowns.
And yielding diverse results.

Verily, I say unto ye,
marry not an engineer.

L for Leave letters

/ Sapna / 22 Comments

“English is Phunny language” said Amitabh Bachchan in an epic Bollywood movie and I couldn’t agree more. I don’t know of any other language where you could create so much confusion by just interchanging the order of words or misplacing a comma. Here are a few funny leave letters written by people whose impeccable English skills have made people’s day by giving them a good laugh.

1.Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave. – I am sure the wifey doesn’t know of his plans 😛

2. From an employee who was performing the “mundan” ceremony of his 10-year-old son: “as I want to shave my son’s head, please leave me for two days..”
( For those who don’t know about mundan “In Hindu tradition, the hair from birth is associated with undesirable traits from past lives. Thus at the time of the mundan, the child is freshly shaven to signify freedom from the past and moving into the future. It is also said that the shaving of the hair stimulates proper growth of the brain and nerves”

3. Leave-letter from an employee who was getting his daughter married
“as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave..” 😯

4. “As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.” – oh God! MILs please beware of such son-in-laws

5.Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
“Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave”. – If you ever come back, if you ever come back,….

6. “I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday.” – Must be a very important person 😛

7. A leave letter to the headmaster:
“As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today” – Honesty is the best policy 😀

8. “As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.” – No comments 😀

9. Covering note: “I am enclosed herewith…” – home delivery available.

10. “Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below…” – As above, so below

11. “My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave”. – Must have been so difficult only one husband managing everything

12. Letter writing: –
“I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well.” – So much for wellness

13. “This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ‘ Typist and an Accountant – Male or Female’…As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post. – I’d have hired him/her for the candidness 😀

14. A student’s leave letter:
“As I am suffering from my uncle’s marriage I cannot attend the class….” – your suffering has just begun 😛

On a related note, people are very creative when making lame excuses for taking leaves. But one person didn’t bother to think too much. Just clubbed the two most effective reasons
– Half the family dying, other half pregnant. – Brilliant, I say!

What is the lamest excuse you have given or heard someone give for taking a leave?

Join the ABC Challenge here

English Memsaab

/ Sapna / 20 Comments
Language map of India

Major languages of India. Image courtesy: mapsofIndia.com

Staying away from your home and hometown teaches you a lot! One such important lesson is communicating in sign language or broken sentences in an unknown language to get your point across to the other person. Esp. in a country like India where language changes every few hundred kilometres. If I take just one example of Karnataka state, the languages spoken are mainly Kannada, Tulu and Konkani ( later two by minority population mostly in coastal Karnataka).  Even the Kannada spoken is not similar throughout the state and dialects are so different that people find it difficult to understand each other at times. Again the Konkani and Tulu are spoken differently by different sects who speak the language. As a country we have so many languages and dialects that WordPress dictionary shows them as spelling errors as I type most of the names here. 😛

I remember, having to ask directions in Trivandrum, where people understood English but the problem was they couldn’t get the way we pronounced the names of the places and ended up giving wrong directions and sending us, at times, in the exact opposite direction of where we intended to go. We would finally manage to get hold of one person who spoke and understood ‘our English’.  It is one of those unfortunate moments when you thank the British for having ruled us (at least they have given us a common language:English) 😐

Now I stay in Bangalore, which is the capital city of Karnataka. My mother tongue being Kannada, I thought, now I am done with broken communication but life has other plans. My PG owner is a Tamil native and hence most of the cooks who come to our PG to cook are from small distant villages in Tamil Nadu and know only Tamil. If you happen to drop by on one of the weekday mornings into our PG, you will notice an earthling v/s alien like situation. Two people blabbering away at each other and looking at each other in wonder. And they part ways again talking, this time to themselves. One of these people is our cook and other could be any of the other inmates. 😕

Fortunately we have a couple of girls who speak Tamil, who come to our rescue once in a while. On one such occasions our cook exclaimed to my other PG-mate(in Tamil of course) while pointing at me, “How is this girl going to manage after marriage, She doesn’t know Tamil, does she intend to speak in English with her husband and in-laws?” 😯 I have faced “What is this girl going to do after marriage?!” many a times before but this time it was for an entirely different new reason. The innocent gal doesn’t even know other languages are spoken in India or that B’lore is in Karnataka whose official language is Kannada or that so many non-kannadigas also stay here and it is ok to be so.  She has also taken upon herself the responsibility of teaching the poor me some Tamil and kindly extended the invitation to attend her brother’s marriage in her home town. 😉

Yesterday, was the icing on the cake. She told me another assumption she had made about me and another friend of mine. That initially she thought we were ‘foreigners’ 😀 I couldn’t respond coz I was busy laughing.

Of all the confused identities this one takes the crown!  😀

Death of a funeral

/ Sapna / 10 Comments

Anybody who has seen the British comedy “Death at a funeral” will know how funerals can be about anything but mourning. Here is a Indo-US version of it which is in essence the death of a funeral. This was posted by one of my friends as his FB status and I couldn’t resist borrowing it. Here it is

A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba) arrived from the US . It was sent by one of the daughters.
The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid;
they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:
Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Neetaben and Varsha,
I am sending Ba’s body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT.
Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.
You will find inside the coffin, under Ba’s body, cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you.
On Ba’s feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha’s and Lakshmi’s sons. Hope the sizes are correct.
Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.Just distribute the rest among yourselves.
The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys.
The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba’s left wrist. Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace,earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her..
The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews.Please distribute all these fairly.
Love Neeta.
PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well nowadays…

PPS: This is not a real incident and meant for fun. No offence intended.

Utterly callous and funny!  But on a more serious note, we are already at the brink of death of marriage, death of family system and so on. Just wondering if this is the last straw “death of a funeral”! Are we about to say RIP to the funerals as well? Let the dead past be dead and move on with business as usual?

100 years and Religion

/ Sapna / 4 Comments

Found these two amazing links on the web. Thought they are worth sharing.

1. IBM is celebrating its 100 years this week and on that occasion Information Week has complied a fine collection of pictures. IBM is a pioneer in the silicon industry. These photos definitely worth a look.

http://www.informationweek.com/news/galleries/software/enterprise_apps/230600173

2. For all the programming geeks. What if programming languages were religions?

http://blog.aegisub.org/2008/12/if-programming-languages-were-religions.html